Plan:
Only three others share this secret: our friends,
the Sorceress, Man-At-Arms
and Kristylookalike. Together we defend
Castle Greyskull from the evil
forces of KLALA.
"I can't wait 'til I have a cane so that I can
thwack it at people."
-Andrew Galvin 5/20/97
"...a whole sheet pack's worth full of paper..." - Andrew Galvin 5/18/97
"Did you do the cards?--check the mail?--turn
in the photography?--
develop the film?" -Andrew Galvin 5/18/97, finally
hitting upon his intended
question.
"I have more couches because my basement is unfinished."-Michelle
Boyle
5/14/97
"Yes, more room." -Andrew Galvin 5/14/97, explaining
why what Michelle said
makes sense
"Piero, I hate it when you throw me on the stapler."-All
ie Hsiao 5/13/97
"Piero, have you seen random sheets of yellow
paper.
I need them, they're my notes." -Andrew Galvin
5/12/97
"I believe it's that whole law of 'greater to
lesser'. That's why water,
spilled on a table, doesn't all hang out together.
They (being the
molecules) like to go to a lesser concentration
of themselves. Basic
principle of physics." -Tom Kingsley III,
eloquently explaining diffusion in his own way 9/22/97
"You will remain in the palace as puppet ruler
and obey my orders
implicitly!"
-Harum Scarum
"They always have an extra space on planes.
Fact." -Hannah "whatevs"
Gersen on flight attendants and flying
"It is not my birthday, and what are all these
'L's?" -Camilla Llibel,
on her 21st B-Day 10/9/97
"I just lost all respect for myself."
-mka, at 4 am 10/31/97 when we decided to continue
playing Zelda, instead of letting Link's death be a sign to stop
"I like birds, but I don't wear them on my clothes!"
"Thet's what's so funny; I don't even like birds."-Gwyneth
"I hope your humor never makes me vomit." -Lindsay Elgin 12/17/97
"It keeps me out of the bars." -Willie Nelson
on why he's been smoking
pot for four decades.
"You're the teddy bear that everyone likes to
hug and I'm the big, scaly
dragon that your mother gave you when you were
three and that you're
scared of so you hide it under your bed." -BWMessmore,
1/23/98
"Make life noisy for other people? This
is what drives me."
-Leila Carbonell 1/26/98
"Very few people annoy me. I am the one
who annoys the people."
-Leila Carbonell 2/11/98
"The floor is white." - Emiliano,
my freshman roommate, when he saw
his first snow.
Overheard: "I hate it when beautiful women
stalk me obsessively...
actually I love it, but it never happens to me.
Isn't that the same thing?"
"Gorgon + Emile = Zola
Gorgon + Zola = Emile
Gorgonzola = A meal"
-Tom's contribution to the
interdisciplinary integrity of the
school
"What do a Gorgon and Emile Zola have to do with
each other?"
"Nothing. That's where you get gorgonzola
cheese."
-Tom, doing more math
"Did they perform last night?"
"Oh, yes they did! And did they do!" -Leila,
doing more english
"The first and last minutes of class are sometimes
the most important first and last minutes you
can spend there."
-Where There's a Will, There's an A
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the way, have you seen the earring?
===============================================================================
OK,
Kids, it's time to play...Valentine Signs(TM)! Please send all
contributions to psprocaccini@amherst.edu
With your help, perhaps we can
crack this code.
PURPOSE ILLLUSTRATION
*Please use the tongs (which are, in fact,
scoopers). *Flamingos
*Throw away trash and (bones).
*Columbus riding a bike
*Condiments.
*Tropical birds
*Valentine workers needed.
*Fish
*New
cups.
*Dynamite
*Mezzanine Closed.
*Overgrown Underbrush
*Kosher Salad Dressing.
*Palm fronds and a sunset.
*Workers needed this weekend.
*Alice's Tea Party with the Mad
Hatter
*Table Tent Policy.
*A Bouquet of Flowers.
*Don't pour liquids in the
*A strange sort of Tikki Doll,
Water Cooler Drain.
composed of different patterns.
*If you're not sure what's being
*A cross between cave drawings
served,
please ask.
and needlepoint.
*Dining Services Supports the
*The Earth falling through an
Environment.
hourglass.
*Turn Left to Locate the Bathrooms.
*A Paperboy selling a special
edition.
*please do not throw feminine products
*a little blue hose with a
(sanitary napkins and tampax) in the
smiling face and two
toilet. Our plumbing system cannot
@ drops of water spurting
handle this overload. Thanks
out of its nose/spigot.
@ courtesy of eahall. I, of course,
would not have access to this one.
*Shh, please be quiet in West.
*afsloat enjoying a concoction
of his own design
I would just like to point out that Valentine
is really taking this
signs joke too far. Last night, supposedly
"Beef Night" (at least
according to the banner prominently posted all
week), there was one Beef
item. One. They did have, however,
chicken, fishwich, and clam
chowder. So really the sign that was meant
to read, "another normal
dinner in Valentine", instead read, "Beef Night"
with several appetizing
pictures of magenta chunks of beef. Thank you,
Valentine, for all the laughs.
===============================================================================
-------------------------------------xoxoxo------------------------------------
By the way, have you seen the eyebrowring?
-----------------------------------
SUMMER '98:
Plan:
"Why
can't I see my face? My face is the most important part!"
- 5/9/98 BWMessmore, commenting on the height of my mirror,
but saying a little bit more about himself
"As
Jesus said, 'You have said it, not I.'" -lmcarbonell, history-
major-to-be, citing one of her sources
"You
know how when you find a leak in a dam and you try to stop it
up with your gum until you can find some good
wood putty?" gaconnell, 5/13/98
trying to make an analogy for our friendship. What are you
trying to tell me, Gwyneth? And who is your dealer?
"All
I need is the white hair and the pimple." - my 10 yr old sister,
Francesca, describing the only two features she
needs to change in order to
look like Marolyn Monroe. (Beauty truly
is in the eye of the beholder.)
Well,
I'm out of the palace in the sky. And only one day late! This
is a record for me. Who says there are
no miracles? I shall miss the black
hole dearly, especially next semester when I
take up residence in Merrill.
You
are funny, my young apprentice, but you are not a Jedi(TM) yet.
Do not let your cockiness get the best of you.
Strong are the ways of the
dark side. Hmmmmph?!
I'm
quitting the group. Our director has gotten much too cocky...
AND he has lost his capacity for grammar.
It's all fun and games until
somebody loses a Tenor (well, percussion anyway).
;)
And now, my turn to be sentimental:
I
hate change! I hate it. I hate being old (I realize I'm young,
but I'm on the older side of young). Why
can we never return to the days
when, bright-eyed, we arose every morning to
the games of our youth? The
plays for our parents, the picnics, tag, the
tunnel we were going to dig to
the other side of the earth, the Muppets, the
unbelievable invention of ATARI
-- then Nintendo, the trips to the dinosaur museum,
the construction paper
art for the refridgerator, the kissing games
in order to learn what that was,
the nights when we had to go inside only
because it was dark and after our
bedtimes. Sometimes my mind takes me back
to these days, but only well enough
to realize that all I have left of them is the
captured memories. And so
I strain to remember more, capture more, but
it is of no use. A memory can
not be imagined. So I think to other memories,
the schooldays, the yellow
schoolbus and its infinite power to stop traffic
with its little cardboard
octagon (we never had to wear seatbelts.
Do you remember leaning over the
seat and laughing with your new best friend?),
the playground, cursive,
the lunch line, long division, your first crush,
the filmstrips, He-Man
and the Masters of the Universe, show and tell,
the books from the days when
reading was an amazing new invention and never
required, the projects for
english or latin (a ae ae am a ae arum is as
is), the middle school dances,
home economics, your own locker, study hall,
the chorus trip to the big city,
the school musicals, homeroom,the Freshman excitement
of high school,
the cliques, the friends you grew to love and
hate, the essays, the multiple-
choice, the bell, homework due the next day,
the halls in between classes when
you scanned the crowd for a pair of eyes that
looked back and smiled in
recognition, your first love, the first time
someone's lips made you sing
without saying a word, the first time the laughter
of a crowd made you know
happiness, the freedom that was undiscovered
until Senior year, and Senior
year when it was all over and yet just about
to begin. The memories become
stronger, but with time, will these, too, be
forgotten? The first night in
the dorm, three people in a tiny bedroom, the
amazing friendships which
instantly form with those around you even though
you've never known them
before, your first encounter with VAX,
learning to live with people and
without others, the parties, a cappella concerts,
the connections to others,
the insecurity at your capacities as compared
to those around you, the tears,
the laughter, the deep circles which result from
that all-nighter, the
security, the mailroom, the goodbyes for break,
the late nights of interterm
just talking, and the same during the semester,
the people, the time, and all
the love in the world. It's almost here. I can
smell the end, the beginning.
I'll have to move on once more. Only this
time, where am I going?
I hate change.
But
enough sadness (does that take 1 or 2 d's?). Have a wonderful
summer, everyone! Some of you, I will see
very shortly, some of you I will
e-mail, and some of you...well, let's make the
best of that one final year
with which we have been blessed. Carpe
Diem! Pluck the Day!*
*translation courtesy of rcorkinramey
-------------------------------------xoxoxo------------------------------------
By the way, will you have seen the bellyring?
-----------------------------------
FALL '98:
Well,
by popular demand, and by example of my far superior at this sort
of thing, gaconnell, I have eliminated the behemoth
that was my plan. In order
to be sentimental, you will have to consult my
archives.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE! I no longer live in a palace in the
sky. But I do have a nice little cottage
with a lovely backyard, so come visit.
=) 204 Milliken.
"...And
what has he made?...(Lot's of chainsaw buzzing)...two little
lumberjack chairs!" - Ah, the joys of small
town fairs. :)
"But
I just like to talk, so I talk." -clibel, describing herself
perfectly. 9-8-98
"I
usually get annoyed at stupid people. But, you know, they need to
learn, too." -tekingsley, in another moment of
triumph against ignorance
9-16-98
"I
am like a crappy addition to a house. It's there and you always
have to clean it. You are like a faucet
fixture. People use you all the
time and it's worthwhile to clean you." -Bwmessmore,
not quite so eloquent as
the Teddy Bear/ Dragon analogy, but it IS
5:30 am
9-18-98
"It's hard
to believe that a relationship can depend on one kiss...
of course, it's also hard to believe that a guy
can travel back in time
in a car." -bwmessmore, discusses the subtle
ironies of Back to the Future
9-20-98
"I
know all the words I need to in beer--er, German."
-bw, making Freud proud
"...Every
day, you know how the tide ebbs and...what else does it do?"
-lmcarbonell, remembering the "ebb", but
forgetting the elusive term "flow"
"...the
prepositions have always been my downfall..."- lmcarbonell,
on english
"Volition."
the euphemism sabeigbeder uses to replace the term "fault"
when I describe the oddity of our first encounter
as being mine.
"When
people tell you that your hair looks fat, it ain't with a p-h,
baby!" -lmcarbonell comments on Ben's new
hairstyle and its effect on his
image
"Hey,
don't say that! That's my hair, and fatness!"
-bw responds
Listen, Ms. lmcarbonell, some of us, I believe,
were asexual long before you
decided to turn, and have been much better at
it since. It is not a fad --
it is an inevitable way of life.
So
now the true asexual is revealed. Two weeks does not constitute
any remote approach to the life of an asexual.
You, Ms Carbonell, are a fake.
ahbauer
and I evidently have something in common, and it is our most
useful skill. ...ZZZ
Things
I discovered today that are held together by duct tape:
- Our shower head.
- The side of a car.
On dating at Amherst:
"...I
wish I were a girl at a frat school..." -Chris Jones, my RC
"I'm being redundant because I want to make my
point again and again."
-the ever-quotable adopthof
"Hi, this is Piero's mom..." -My mother begins
her message on my answering
machine. I live in a single.
"When are we leaving to go to Piero's?" -Ben asks me about dinner at my house
I'm
beginning to wonder if I'm Piero at all. Maybe I've just lived
with the guy all my life and haven't noticed.
You may all start referring to
me as "Piero's friend" (although I don't
know what we'll call Ben now).
================================================================================
Well,
everyone, it's the moment you've all been waiting for...
VALENTINE SIGNS II - CARPE DIEM!(TM)
Those crafty ad wizards in the Valentine
Print Shop are up to their old tricks again.
Please send all contributions to
psprocaccini@amherst.edu With your help,
once again we will save the campus.
PURPOSE ILLUSTRATION
*Valentine
News
*A fisherman losing his catch.
*Please bus your silverware.
*Hot air balloons.
*MidSemester Break Dining Hours
*A painting of a lighthouse.
*Traditional
*Wildflowers.
*Pasta
*A flower and a chef tasting soup.
*Afternoon Table Wipers.
*A desk with some books and an apple.
*Assorted additional beverages
*A pie.
around
the corner.
*Please don't sit in mezzanine.
*Well, this one's not much of an
illustration, really, so much as just
two small trees to act as a baracade.
*I
have no idea.
*"Paper Here", written on Neon Yellow
paper and hung alone in the middle of
the wall on the way to the silverware-
busing area
And
now I would like to address what is becoming a disconcertingly
serious issue: all the "October paraphernalia"
that adorn the dining hall.
It is quickly approaching the point of becoming
a very strange form of
propaganda. It's October, we believe you.
There is no need to line the mantel
with gourds, or hang a weird-ass scarecrow to
watch over the salad bar, or
import dead leaves from outside to surround a
fascicle of dried corn stalks
placed strategically so as to best get in the
way of traffic. Please, I just
want to get my piece of pizza and glass of pink
lemonade in peace.
================================================================================
WELCOME, mlibel, to the world of plandom!
Words for bwmessmore:
Wind
blows,
Fire
burns...
Disclaimer:
So,
I feel it necessary to apologize for my appearance, today. I am
fully aware of how terrible I look and how sweat
pants with bulges coming out
of the pockets are just not appropriate for the
college public. My only
defense is that my thesis presentation was due,
so I have not had much sleep.
I am making plans to remedy this condition
right now.
...of course, many of you may be thinking,
"What appearance? He didn't look muce different
than usual."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words from our friends, the Masters of the Universe:
"There's
a big difference between a cat and a robot. A cat lands on his
feet."
<---That's it? THAT is THE big difference?
"There's
just one way out, He-Man. The others lead to destruction."
"Solid
rock. But wait a minute...it's hollow."
"If
you can't find a trap door, you make one."
"Fire
people don't make friends with thieves."
"You
wouldn't have saved me if you were evil."
"A
person doesn't need superpowers to be a hero."
"So
be sure and think twice before playing a joke or a trick on anybody.
It
might not go the way you planned and someone could end up losing a
finger,
or an arm, or maybe even an eye."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MLIBEL:you
have an incredibel ability to quote the innane
-commenting, during one of our send sessions, on the section of my
plan located above. I am beginning to worry
a little, as I was informed last
night by rcorkinramey, sabeigbeder et al. (in
the politest way possible) that I
spend too much time logged on. Is
this a problem? Does there need to be an
ammendment to the "everyone should be required
to have a plan" edict, that
one can only change it so often? Or, more
importantly, that one can only spend
so much time logged on? Comments?
Criticisms? psprocaccini@amherst.edu
or just send me, I'll probably be logged on.
"Why am I not that tired?
I mean my legs are." mlibel, just doing a
little inventory, here, at 4 am
A VERY BIG THANK YOU
to all those who attended my thesis
presentation. I think it really says
something about the type of friends you
have when they are willing to come
listen to you bumble through a sea of scientific
jargon for about 20 minutes
and then even have the good will to clap at the
end. You all are the best! :)
I am
highly disappointed and Deeply Saddened(1) that my plan was not
deemed worthy of amgittinger's list, despite
the fact that I try to keep it
entertaining and update it often.
(1)adapted with permission from sabeigbederTM
I,
like mkanshutz, have gotten undue credit for the Zac13 invites.
While I, too, was in the fishbowl when Annagan
and Piero were working on them,
I feel it unfair to make any sort of claim to
their creation. Please direct
all further approving commentary to ashumanketz
and psaprocaccini.
Nice job, girls!
I am
very pleased and no longer sad (sorry, sabeigbeder). And number
two, no less! I blush. Thank you, amgittinger.
Ah,
yes, and when it rains, it pours, Mr. cljones. I, too, have at long
last a quote for my plan from the up-and-coming
bjsimoneau. It goes as follows:
Me:
"The Red Sox? Don't they suck?"
Brian:
The Red Sox do not suck!!!...The just have bad luck."
"But
that's not even funny."-Quote #2 from the same, upon learning of
his entrance into plandom.
Hi Andrew!!!!! (well, someone's got to say it)
I'm
back. Did ya miss me? :) Where was I, asks the less informed
stalker. Just eating in Annex.
I
could not help but notice that I have fallen several notches on
amgittinger's list of worthy plans (despite the
fact that she assures me it is
merely for alphabetical purposes). The
only good that can come of this is that
I, yet again, am able to use the phrase, Deep
Sadness. However, in a desparate
attempt to regain special recognition from amgittinger,
I have composed the
following.
Ode to Angie
Ah
what beauty lies beyond the nearer of two farther things?
It
is but the truth of another day, awaiting the arrival of tomorrow.
And
true, though your limits know no bounds,
Here
I am, before you, begging, "Please move me up on your list!"
Perhaps
there will be more if I am further inspired by the Muse.
By the way, have you seen the dogtags?
"You
guys are really shitty." -PJ, upon hearing what we had
in store for him for the Parents' Weekend Concert
"Hello." -Someone to bridge the gap between PJ's greatness and bw's not
"I'm
the 3-eyed toad that never made it." -bwmessmore, commenting on
his success at replicating my studying style
It
appears that, once again, I must defend my rank on the list of
amgittinger, from the evil empire (namely agalvin),
with a sonorous composition.
So, here it goes, again:
ODE TO ANGIE II
Do you know how when
you have something to say and you forget what it is?
And you pound your head but nothing comes?
But then later
you aren't thinking about it and suddenly you remember?
Something in your eyes remind me about this.
But then I forget when you look away.
"That is a factual." -lmcarbonell, just speaking english
"That is a factual opinion." -lmcarbonell, correcting herself
Has
anyone noticed how chilly it is tonight? Frankly, I'm a little
worried about all the sleeping Westerners.
confidential to rcorkinramey: I'm
just saying that these nomadic herdsmen
can sleep in temperatures that would kill a Westerner
(such as you or me).
Confused? I recommend taking out "The Mongols"
from the library - a documentary
masterpiece. While you are at it, you may
wish to view other great works from
the Asian Studies 11 syllabus such as "Know Your
Enemy: Japan" and "Harum
Scarum" (an Elvis classic).
Yay!
I finally made it onto ahbauer's
webpage! Thanks, ahbauer!
=)
You're the greatest!!!
(Hint, hint, to those of you with webpages on which
I do not yet appear...)
A
big shout out to dphui, as
well, who has followed in the noble
footsteps of ahbauer and included a link to my
webpage from his. Yay, Dan!
And
I know that you sigh at the sight that you see,
For
the boy that I am is the man I will be.
And
I know what you see when I say why you sigh.
All
the world goes away as the days travel by.
-Peter Messenger
I suppose
that I should be happy that my mother is so proud of me, but
sometimes I find it rather disturbing.
Take, for example, her Freudian slip
when discussing Peter Jennings' guest appearance
at the concert:
"I'm glad he got a chance to meet you."
Is she really THAT out of touch with reality?
"Actually,
June 21st is National Naked Hiking Day."- mjeckelman,
Outdoorsman Extraordinaire
"I
plan to be out there, too." - mjeckelman, proving WHY he holds the
above title
Can I get an "Oh, Ben." from anyone in the crowd?
I am
inclined to agree with Mr. cljones Re: the Not Funny Flu (partly
because it offers an excuse for the quality of
the Parents' Weekend Skit).
Are
there personalities in Milliken!?!?!?!?!? amgittinger, you, my dear,
are, yet again, on thin ice...in hot water.
"lists are of this earth, and i am not." -lmcarbonell,
finally admitting that
she is a foreigner
"Hack up a lung, Baby! I'm THAT funny." -laelgin, she is that funny
So it appears
that svraju and I have more in common than I had realized
since I, too, was well educated in each
of the virtues of Shrutidom (except,
perhaps, #s 3 and 4) back home at the School
of Piero. And I am very good at
what I do! (ask ahbauer)
Actually,
as I was telling amgittinger, it is all about instinct and
luck. Improve these qualities and you will
be set for life. I have worked
hard at doing so by not studying, by maintaining
complete illiteracy, and by
leaving myself no free time to work on take-home
exams like the one which I am
currently avoiding in Neurobio.
Yay!
amgittinger, I love you! Or should I say, amgittin? The webpage
is fabulous. =)
Hi,
Josie! YOU are the bestest, coolest, awesomest, person in the
whole wide universe! but only because you
made me say so. ;) (You are VERY
cute, however.)
jctsang,
I love you!!! Who is this girl? Biology is SO much more fun
than chemistry!!! Everyone should read
her plan (especially bwmessmore).
People whom I love because I appear (or have very
recently appeared) on their
plan (in no particular order - except for bwmessmore):
ahbauer,
amgittinger, jpchu, msweill, jctsang, kychau, dchang,
scbeckwith, ehrodriguez, mjdunn, bjsimoneau,
agalvin, cgpfaffenrot, mlibel,
rcorkinramey, etgrenley, wpbeardsley, svraju,
sabeigbeder, jhhaduong, ejfeder,
klmilton, cljones (although under dubious circumstances),
emweber, bwmessmore
* These people should all be well fi'ed
by anyone who comes here because *
they are all very cool. Am I missing anyone?
New additions? Let me know. ;)
EndGame, here, Kids! (Confidential to jpchu: Sorry) Thank you,
everyone, for playing!
Confidential to eaauerbach:
Sorry,
kid! We just finished playing that game. We may play again,
though, someday so keep your eyes peeled.
Confidential to sabeigbeder:
I
would like to add my name to the list.
reason: In my old life, I am not on your plan. :)
Yay!
A new life! Thanks, sabeigbeder!
Confidential to mjdunn: This can only mean
one thing...a Filmationthon.
(Don't ask me how THAT ends up being the one
thing though.)
OK,
we're on!!! This weekend, perhaps? A little Christmas Special,
a few daily episodes, and we can finish things
off with a very entertaining
"Lookie Lends a Hand."
SCARED?!?!?
You, my friend, should spend an evening with me in West!!!
10:18
(well, planwatch just told me 10:17) - Showing of a century is
right.
I was a bit slow but only because I've been napping until just
now.
:) Your move! (BTW, I have now, since I woke up, changed the plan
a
grand total of 6 times already - you can't AFFORD to log off.)
8:34
:)
2:52
(a bit slow, I know. Sorry.) PS: I highly recommend Psych 11
(it's been known to have a prime stalkee pool :D )
3:04
Well done young Jedi.
5:33
Hmm, was side-tracked at the lab. I may need to drop my thesis.
7:35
OK, so I'm getting a little bit slow in my old age but I did pay
you a visit at dinner.
7:35
OK, so I'm getting a little bit slow in my old age but I did pay
you a visit at dinner.
7:55
Someday, I will regain my youth...
8:23
Gotcha! :)
11:25
Off to party! :)
1:16
You'll be checking in a while. ;) Aw yeah, who's back!
9:20
Curse my sleeping ways!
2:31
And off to Trinity, so you will definitely win this round...
4:19
Yes, but not by as much as you might have imagined.
12:46
Tomorrow, 3-6 or 7-10? Either way, I believe it should be
combined with a bit of beverage. :)
1:45
3-6 my room, shall I send out an e-mail? Who wants to come?
10:57
Sounds good.
5:22
Awesome is right! Good luck tonight!
10:06 :I
3:39
Back from slumber! Don't ask. I'm not happy.
11:39
(for better comprehension, please see paragraph below)
12:14
Grrr!
6:16
Shall we call it quits until we make plans for our next marathon?
I think it might be wise, for sanity sake. :)
So,
last night, Fate decided to play a very evil trick on me and cause
me to fall asleep at 10:30 pm only to awake again
at 3 am, which, as I'm sure
you're all aware, meant that I just missed EVERYTHING!!!
Not only was I not
able to catch up with alum friends, but I also
missed what appears to be the
last big chance to revel before Thanksgiving
break. Needless to say, I am not
happy and am currently contemplating an appropriate
punishment for Fate.
Confidential to ejfeder:
Yay!
Welcome to plandom!
A VERY special shoutout to aiboros who's webpage
will forever make me laugh
and be very happy. It is still under construction
but check it out, everyone!
You never know who you might find there...
http://www.amherst.edu/~aiboros
Only
5 more days until Thanksgiving break when I can stop slacking
and get some real work done.
And now, a few confidentials:
ejfeder:
fi ahbauer - she is much wiser than I in the ways of VAX.
and evidently, adopthof has a few words on the subject as well
ahbauer:
get well soon.
jpchu:
9. He only plays girls at Tekken.
10. He has, upon occasion, been called "Mom."
11. Have you seen the earring?
12. He has purple shoes (and like to wear them).
13. He has no facial hair (well, just about enough for an
embarrassed woman).
14. I don't really understand #8.
15. He supplies the entire campus with milk.
16. Well...Ben.
These should get you started.... ;)
amgittinger: You may want to
sneak a peak at my plan archives. :)
cyjohnson: CTRL+X
deletes the line above the cursor (at least if
you're using edit - I'm not sure about these
new technological marvels). Oh, and fi ahbauer.
jethaxton: Now
listen, there is no need to get nasty. My job really
is just to stand there and look pretty, and if you
happen to learn something in the process, well, that's
not my fault. :) Why don't you go ask the illustrious
rsstephens? Oh, and by the way, fi him.
jpchu:
You should ask sabeigbeder about a wonderful little thing
called the Life Draw List.
mjdunn:
To what I might owe this honor, I may never know. But thank
you. And of course you may have that position. :)
Why
is it that girls get drunk and hook up with guys to feel better
about themselves? And guys go around trying
to hook up with girls to feel
better about themselves? Oh,
right, evolution. ...Well, I'm not playing.
SWM
seeking LEPER, for Microbiology presentation tomorrow. No
experience necessary - just leprosy.
THE amgittinger LIVING MEMORIAL QUOTE SECTION:
"That's
not West, is it?" -Massachusetts resident, Anne Gittinger,
on Connecticut
"People
ask me, 'What's your name?' and I'm like, 'I don't know.'"
-angie, on "the basics"
Well,
everyone's gone (or almost gone), so there is no reason to put
anything entertaining on my plan. So I
guess for once, I'll use it for its
nominal purpose and remind myself what I have
to do:
1)
Thesis work. (Lots of it) [DONE - sort of]
2)
Neurobio Lab.
3)
Another Neurobio Lab.
4)
Neuro Comps Article.
5)
Thanksgiving with my Mom. (and Ben) [DONE - well, it's something]
6)
Update DQ web page. [DONE - sort of]
7)
Work on DQ songs and skits.
8)
Microbio Paper.
9)
Find out about removing my wisdom teeth. [DONE]
10) Take
yearbook photo.
11) Clean
Room.
12) Get
in touch with Megan somehow. [DONE]
13) Begin
vigorous workout schedule.
"Midgets
must make a lot of money off these movies." -the infamous
bwmessmore, on the cast of Star Wars
"I'm a very benevolent woman." - lmcarbonell, comments on her nature
"Are
you saying I'm not benevolent?"- lmcarbonell responds to the fact
that quote #1 made it onto my plan.
"I AM benevolent!" - lmcarbonell continues
Confidential to everyone:
fi
jgreif (she is very cool, but perhaps overlooked by
many planwatchers)
Plan:
Piero's Secret Plan:
Welcome
to my secret plan section. The fact that you are here places
you among an elite section of the population
which is well versed in more fi
and veritably obsessed with planwatching.
YOU are my type of people. :) Enjoy!
WARNING: The next segment of my plan may
only be funny if you are well
acquainted with Tom Kingsley, then again, it
may be funny anyway, then again,
it may not be funny even if you do know Tom Kingsley..
You be the
judge, and don't say I didn't warn you.
Last night a number of us were telling riddles.
I contributed this one:
There
is a guy lying dead in the middle of a field, wearing a backpack
and a ring. How did he die?
Now,
this is a fairly well known riddle and many of you may know it,
and so you'll also know that it is of the form
wherein you are allowed to ask
yes or no questions until you figure it out.
Our good friend, tekingsley (the
protagonist of the story, if you will), was making
great progress with the
riddle and had already asked all the standard
questions (like, "Was he wearing
clothes?" - to which the answer is, of course,
"yes"), when the following
amusing dialogue ensued:
***
Tom: Is the ring a piece of jewelery?
Me: No, it's not.
Crowd: Very good call, Tom. You're
really on the right track here. etc.
Tom: OK, so the ring is not a piece of
jewelery. Aha! Is the ring made out
of
grass?
Crowd: ...(deluge of uncontrollable laughter)
***
Tom, while working on another one of the riddles:
"Wait,
does math count? I'm not going to get this one."
confidential to gaconnell: I believe our
young hero seems to be coming down
with Parkinsonian symptoms.
confidential to mjdunn: Everyone experienced highs
during the 80s. I mean,
come
on, it was the 80s!!! =)
confidential to ahbauer: DO NOT READ IF YOU STILL WANT TO FIGURE IT OUT
1 and 2 ----------------------> 2..............................2
minutes
5 and 10 <---------------------
1..............................1 minute
5 and 10 ----------------------> 5 and 10......................10
minutes
1 <---------------------
2..............................2 minutes
1 and 2 ----------------------> 1,2,5,
and 10..................2 minutes
--
Total: 17 minutes
How's my timing? ;)
Per
request of ahbauer, I, too, have removed the solution. But it's
in my plan_archives if you give up. Instead,
I shall relate this humorous
exchange as Ben worked diligently to figure out
the poser.
B: 1 and 2 go across and 1 comes back. That's
3 minutes.
P: OK
B: 1 and 5 go over and 1 comes back. That's
6 minutes. 6+3, that's 10 minutes.
P: Ben, that's 9 minutes.
B: Oh, right, 9 minutes. OK, well anyway,
then 1 and 10 go across.
P: Which makes what?
B: 17 minutes?
Ben
would have had this one in no time, if it hadn't been for that
pesky math. That didn't stop him, though.
He kept going:
B: Piero, I've got it. I call it
the QuickieMart defense. 1 and 10 go across
and
while one goes back and gets 5, 10 goes into the QuickieMart by the
bridge
and buys another flashlight.
P: OK, so you're at 16 minutes and now 1, 5,
and 10 are across and have
2 flashlights between them.
B: Right. So then 1 goes back with both flashlights
and...
P: Oh, Ben.
You
would think that when fabricating QuickieMarts for the riddle,
you might choose to put one on the side you start
on. Whatever, whatever.
PS: Another of Ben's responses to the question
posed:
"1 minute + 2 minutes + 5 minutes + 10 minutes?
That's 18 minutes.
...Can they run?"
confidential to jctsang:
Chickenfight
(although, I'm more familiar with the term "piggyback")
could potentially incur a combined 2 minute travel
time. Although, if we are
looking for creative alternatives, I must say
that my favorite is yet another
one that ben came up with (no, this is a good
one, I swear), which is that you
just wait until morning. Then, Ben claims
that you can get them across in a
matter of 15 minutes (although, I'm almost positive
that, at that point, you
might be able to get it down to 12 - but I'm
no math major). ;)
Confidential to mkanshutz: Not cool, mk,
not cool. Why don't you take what
I
give and mold it into something new and of your own design. Take
my
young pupil, bwmessmore, for example. Confusing? Yes, but very
funny.
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
Two
men go into a bar and order identical drinks: gin on the rocks.
As the bartender is bringing the drinks, the
two men get into a fight and the
first man throws back his drink and storms out
of the bar. The second man
stays in the bar for an hour or two and slowly
finishes his drink. The next
morning, the first man wakes up calmer and ready
to make peace. The second man
does not wake up because he's dead. How
did he die? (No tricks. Nothing
outside of the story killed him, etc.)
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
How is this possible?
Elizabeth,
Liza, Beth and Liz
go
down to the river to see what there is.
One
fish from the river is brought back home
and
yet each girl has a fish of her own.
I've had many wonderful responses
for yesterday's riddle, but none quite as
priceless as this contribution by the one and
only TEKIII:
okay,
so they're in different bars. they are on a payphone.
one of the men is
the bartender. the guy who died ended up living
ten miles closer to the
other bar, the one where th bartender was working.
the bartender was a
woman. "throwing back" is a common idiom meaning,
literally, "smacking
upside the head with a shattered glass".
so, being smacked by a woman,
the man is shamed into drinking himself into
oblivion with a pollutedwater
ice cube lodged in his throat.
and there you have it.
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
Tom
is asleep on the couch. Fred is dead on the floor with water and
broken glass all around. Why is this not
a surprise?
confidential to mkanshutz: Much better,
my child. Intelligent and funny of
its own accord. :)
and here is a little something for the QUEEN and
the ARTIST:
I'm
walking past the campus center yesterday morning at around 10am,
when who should I run into, but our very own
Alex Niefer. Who says to me
with much enthusiasm:
"Piero,
how great does it feel to be a senior?" Not really wanting to
delve into a discussion about my mixed feelings
on the subject, I respond:
"Awesome!
So Damn Cool!" to which he responds, "I'm shitfaced, right
now! I fill my thermos with a screwdriver
and bring it to class," to which I
respond by giving a hearty ah-yes-I-know-how-that-is
laugh despite the fact
that I don't think I've ever been drunk in the
morning unless I got that way the
night before, and certainly never on a Thursday.
You might think that this is
the end of my story, but it appears that our
good friend must have had a few
more later that day, because last night I found
myself spending more quality
time with him singing "Cecelia" karyoke-style
in front of half the senior class.
My thesis advisor, Prof. Goldsby, gives me some
advice on the value of life:
"People
ask,'Would you die for your freedom?' I'm not so sure it's that
important."
"Back
when the world was forming and I was in school, it used to be that
if you had a B average, and hadn't stolen anything,
you could get into med.
school." -Prof. Goldsby again. Sounds like
good news for all the premeds out
there.
Camillla: Vegans don't eat any animal products.
Ursula: What do they eat?
Camillllla: Well, they eat beans...
Ursula: They must eat a lot of beans!
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
A
girl is locked in a steel room with no windows and a door which is
locked. In the room, there is only a piano,
a wooden table, a saw, a baseball
and a baseball bat. Well, the girl
is so clever that she figures out 4
different ways to get out of the room.
How many can you figure out? (Hint:
this one does involve tricks. I shall give
you one of the answers to help
explain what sort of things we are looking for.
She takes the bat and swings
at the ball 3 times. 3 strikes and you're
out. I know, this is lamer than
some of the other ones but you all are not sending
me contributions.)
Just
a quick comment on yesterday's riddle. Surprisingly, everyone was
very quick to get the Fred part, but did not
mention the Tom part, which is
actually the part with the bigger hint. Hmm,
alternative thinking at Amherst.
M: Are you feeling the way I'm feeling?
P: I don't know. How are you feeling?
M: Very...dressed.
It
has come to my attention that there has been a recent rash of
goatee (sp?) elimination at the school, and I
would just like to say Bravo!
And welcome back from Sketch-City!
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
Rumor has it that this one was told by Lincoln.
There
are 7 birds sitting on a wall. If you shoot one, how many remain?
A BIG
shoutout to wpbeardsley for getting the answer right off. No more
need to be concerned. ;)
confidential to tekingsley: a black and white horse? ;)
and I, fair etgrenley? am I among the chosen
children? I mean, for what it's
worth, word has it that I'm fairly easy (well,
at least through 2nd). :)
"A
Crush? That's when you're really annoyed by someone but just don't
realize it yet." - Anon.
"Just
stand next to something interesting." - rcorkinramey attempts to
assuage my camera-shy feelings, before my imminent
photo shoot. Thanks,
corkers! :)
GO NUMBER 12!!!
You
are all invited to my Neuroscience Comprehensive Examination this
Thursday, December 10, at 5:30pm. Please
come, so that I will have plenty of
plants in the audience to clap no matter how
bad my presentation. In the
meantime, you will understand if I must downregulate
my VAX time.
And now another episode from Piero's life for
your amusement (whether it
demonstrates the absurdity of society, or my
own stupidity, well, you will have
to be the judge):
I
go into CVS to buy film (and pens so that I could deposit my checks -
but I digress). I pay for said items and
proceed out of the store until, for
some reason, I set off the alarm system.
Now, not only am I carrying the bag
of items but I am also wearing a backpack so
I turn around and go back in the
store, and wait to be strip searched, or whatever
it is they do. But no one
comes over, so I go out again, thinking that
maybe the alarm was a fluke and
that I did not, in fact, set it off. Until,
of course, I go through and set it
off again. Now, this time, I just stand
in the doorway, between the sensors,
as the alarm drones on, and still no one comes
- in fact, it appears as if the
personnel are actually trying to ignore me.
So I just leave. Kind of makes me
wish I had taken something. :)
I have
hit an all time low in complacence (thanks, hhgersen). I just
dreamt that, knowing I was almost broke, I agreed
to go spend substantial
amounts of money for an activity just because
my friends wanted to do it. The
worst part: the activity was tennis.
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
Two
fathers and two sons go fishing. They each catch 1 fish for a
grand total of 3. How is this possible?
confidential to mjdunn: and trading cards!!!
:) (I must say, though, that I
did some of the math and came up with a grand
total of 4, as opposed to the
predicted 3 good men. Of course, I am no
math major. Furthermore, I am
experiencing a certain Deep Sadness (TM) that
I am apparently not clever or
wiley enough to have made it onto sabiegbeder's
plan directory. -- Yay! Thanks,
sabeigbeder!) :)
Overheard:
Person
1: "Yeah, I got all sorts of strange little trinkets, like, they
gave me these Viagra Post-its."
Person
2: "Really? Do they stay up?"
"Hmm,
I guess my life isn't as important to other people as it is
to me." - lmcarbonell lands upon one of those
fundamentals to a good life
"I
was just giving you a little hint so that you would ask me about my
date." - lmcarbonell, admits to ulterior motives
confidential to rcorkinramey: It went OK,
I suppose. The guy took 3 rolls so
hopefully SOMETHING will be decent. Although,
I'm doubting it's the several
close-ups he insisted upon. :)
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
Well,
I've gotten quite a bit of slack from people about how easy
yesterday's riddle was. So, today, I leave
you with two much more difficult
ones (and then go on plan hiatus, as I have comps
to prepare for). If you
still think these are too easy, fi cljones!
1.)
Three friends attend a conference together. They check into an inn
and decide to share a room in order to save money.
The innkeeper charges them
a total of $30 ($10 dollars each). But
later on, he changes his mind and
decides to give them back $5. He gives 5 dollar
bills to the bellhop and
tells him to bring them to the three guests.
The bellhop, however, in order not
to have to make change, gives each man a dollar
and keeps the remaining 2 for
himself. So, now, each of the 3 men has
paid $9 and the bellhop has $2, but
that only adds up to $29. Where has the
missing dollar gone?
2.)
There are 12 balls, 11 of which are identical in weight (you
do not know what they weigh, just that they each
have the same weight). The
remaining ball is either lighter or heavier than
the rest. You also have a
balance, which you are allowed to use 3 times.
You must figure out not only
which ball is different from the others, but
also whether it is lighter or
heavier. No tricks (and this is a toughie,
it does not have a simple answer.
you must go through different scenarios and prove
that all of them work with
your method).
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
Well,
the response to my last two riddles has been overwhelming. Thank
you to everyone who participated, your answers
were first rate. And now...
Everyone
knows the Pythagorean Theorem. A squared, plus B squared,
equals C squared. There are certain numbers that
work for this formula,
like 3, 4, and 5, or 5, 12, and 13. Many years
ago, a French mathematician
by the name of Fermat declared that this formula
only works for squares.
If you take the integers A, B, C and you take
them to the third, fourth,
fifth power or whatever, it doesn't work. For
example, there are no
integers for which A cubed plus B cubed equals
C cubed he says. He writes
this in a paper and says by the way, I have a
neat little proof, but I
didn't have room to write it in the margin.
Anyway,
as luck would have it, a young mathematician issues a
statement that Fermat is wrong, and he has the
numbers to prove it. He
calls a press conference. He says, I have three
numbers to prove Fermat is
wrong, and I will give you the numbers first
and then I will give you the
powers. He says A is 91, B is 56, and C is 121.
It
just so happens that at this press conference there are some
science reporters, and one of the reporters has
his 10-year old kid with
him. And the kid very sheepishly raises his hand
and stands up and says I
hate to disagree with you sir, but you're wrong.
The question is how did
the kid know that this mathematician couldn't
dispute Fermat with these
three numbers, and the numbers were 91, 56, and
121.
[Contributed by dchang]
I haven't
gotten yelled at by a teacher since the 2nd grade. Well, I
hadn't, that is, until this morning in Greek
class. Prof. Griffiths actually
threatened to separate us. Special thanks
to my inseperable ally,
rcorkinramey, for joining me in this moment of
regression.
So,
now, evidently along with my classroom ethic [please see above], I
have lost my social ethic as well. I spent
the vast majority of my Saturday
evening, not at one of the many parties going
on, but at the lab, working on my
thesis. Come on, people! You should
know better than to leave me to my ways.
Oh, and hhgersen, you got nothin' on me.
:)
A Big Happy Half-B-Day Shout Out to Mr. wpbeardsley!
Happy Half, Baby!
ccfalzon: here is some planlovin' just
for you! Mwa!
Thank
you to all those who attended my Neuro Comps (agalvin, this means
you). You will be happy to know that, dispite
any presentational mishaps, they
decided to let me pass. Yay! :)
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
There
was once a king who wanted to find the wisest person in his
kingdom so he held a series of contests and was
able to narrow the choice down
to 3 wisemen (when I say wisemen, I am not implying
that men are somehow wiser
than women on the whole, but it just so happens
that in this tale, in this
kingdom, it was 3 men who made it to the final
rounds of the contest. Who knows?
Perhaps the wisest of the women got tired of
the contest early on and just went
home to think. Besides, it makes the story
easier to tell when you don't have
to worry about all the he/she, him/her agreement
and since "he" is shorter than
"she" and "wiseman" is shorter than "wisewoman"
-which also incidently presents
us with that pesky double-w alliteration- let
us just say they were men -which,
evidently, they were, by the way- for the sake
of keeping the riddle shorter).
Try as he might, he could not decide which of
the three was wisest of all,
until at last, he came upon the following test.
He
placed a red hat on each of their heads and sat them all down at a
table where each could see the hat of the other
two, but could not see his own.
Then he said, "Each of you is now wearing a hat
that is either white or red.
Raise your hand if you can see a red hat," at
which point, all three men raised
their hands for each could see the hat of the
other two. The king continued,
"The first to discern the color of his own hat
shall be proclaimed the wisest
in the land." The three men sat there,
looking back and forth from one to
another in silence, each trying to discern the
color of his own hat, until,
after quite some time, the wisest of them stood
up and said, "The color of my
hat is red." How did he know?
[Contributed by cljones]
TODAY'S RIDDLE (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
Here
is another oldie that many of you may already know. Also, It may
not work as well written as it does when it's
told but if you all would send
new ones, I wouldn't have to resort to these...
A father
and his son are in a terrible car accident. The father dies on
impact and the son, in very critical condition,
is rushed to the nearest
hospital. Upon seeing the boy, the doctor
in the emergency room says, "I can
not operate on this boy, he is my son."
How is this possible?
So
I have been slightly negligent of my plan duties of late, and I do
apologize. My only excuse is that I have
been feeling a little under the
weather. I am doing my best to curb this
problem.
"You're not a serious student.
You just do well."-bwmessmore, on my
work ethic
"I don't hook up ever because,
inevitably, at some point my hook up will do
something to make me embarrassed to have ever
hooked up with them." -a friend
much wiser than I
hsjones: "It was my birthday
yesterday. I'm 20."
jnhorwitt: "Now you can start complaining
about your back."
hhgersen: you are wise beyond all wisdom
Very
cool, aiboros, very cool! I salute you. mka, have you seen
this?
Oh, and rburnson, more fi does work. You
just have to hold down on return (it
works better that way, actually.).
Well,
of course a rock doesn't like more, rburnson. A rock doesn't
like anything. Unless it is a very special,
feeling rock. :)
and
on an unrelated note, what kind of prozac is dchang on?
...and where can I get some. :)
TODAY'S RIDDLES (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
1.) A King tells his
two sons to race their horses to a distant
city to decide who will inherit his fortune.
The son whose horse is
slower will win. The brothers wander aimlessly
for days and finally ask
a wise man for advise. After hearing the
advice they jump on the
horses and race as fast as they can to the city.
What does the wise
man say?
2.) A man walks into
a bar, orders a drink, and starts chatting with the
bartender. After a while, he learns that
the bartender has three
children. "How old are your children?"
he asks. "Well," replies the
bartender, "the product of their ages is 72."
The man thinks for a
moment and then says, "that's not enough information."
"All right,"
continues the bartender, "if you go outside and
look at the building
number posted over the door to the bar, you'll
see the sum of the
ages." The man steps outside, and after
a few moments he reenters and
declares, "Still not enough!" The bartender
smiles and says, "My
youngest just loves strawberry ice cream."
How old are the children?
3.) We're by a
brook and you have a 3 gallon container and a 5 gallon
container, but I want exactly 4 gallons.
How can you give it to me? (No tricks)
"Can I have a knee cap?" Ben, asking
for compensation if I steal his
girlfriend
confidential to rcorkinramey: um, Greek? study? together? when?
Wow! We've gone intercollegiate! Thanks,
reallen@vaxsar.vassar.edu! :)
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*PLAN 500!!! YAY!!!*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
"At dark, in the night, after
the sun goes down..." Carl Rochelle, of
the
Pentagon describes the approximate time of our next attack in Iraq
Funny, adopthof, very funny. :)
Put
him on, now, rburnson, and you will know exactly when he changed
his plan.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For a breif (<--spelling courtesy of the artist)
time only:
TOP 12 BITTEREST PEOPLE AT AMHERST
1.) Benjamin Weaver Messmore
2.) Piero's Friend
3.) Moot
4.) bwmessmore
5.) Mooteroni, sexy son of the earring god(TM)
6.) Annie Bauer's Boyfriend
7.) Janet Tsang
8.) Chris Jones' RC Friend
9.) the silly Brazillian (not a Libel)
10.) BW
11.) Professor Messmore, oh wait, not yet :)
12.) Well...Ben
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ways I spelled my name before finally getting
it right on a job e-mail:
Piero
Proscini, Piero Procsccini, Piero Pricaccini, Piero Procccini,
Piero Procaccubu, Piero Orocaccii, Piero
Pfovavvaviini
I
seem to have the Pierop art down, at least. :)
No
need for Gallup, Brycey, just read plans. Here are a few to start
you off:
lmcarbonell
adopthof
hhgersen
jgreif
UNTIL I FINISH MY LAB, I AM NOT LOGGING ON AGAIN...much.
TODAY'S RIDDLES (please e-mail me with any contributions.
I love these things!):
1.) In a small
town there are N married couples in which one of the pair
has committed adultery. Each adulterer
has succeeded in keeping their
dalliance a secret from their spouse. Since
it is a small town,
everyone knows about everyone else's infidelity.
In other words, each
spouse of an adulterer thinks there are N - 1
adulterers, but everyone
else thinks there are N adulterers. People
of this town have a tradition
of denouncing their spouse in church if they
are guilty of adultery.
So far, of course, no one has been denounced.
In addition, people of this
town are all amateur logicians of sorts, and
can be expected to figure out
the implications of anything they know. A priest
has heard the confession of
all the people in the town, and is troubled by
the state of moral turpitude.
He cannot break the confessional, but knowing
of his flock's logical turn of
mind, he hits upon a plan to do God's work.
What does the priest say that will
result in every adulterer being denounced?
And here's a little something for my good friend,
Piero's friend:
2.)You are a biochemist, working
with a 12-slot centrifuge. This is a gadget
that has 12 equally spaced slots around a central
axis, in which you can
place chemical samples you want centrifuged.
When the machine is turned on,
the samples whirl around the central axis and
do their thing.
To ensure that the samples are evenly mixed,
they must be distributed in the
12 slots such that the centrifuge is balanced
evenly. For example, if you
wanted to mix 4 samples, you could place them
in slots 12, 3, 6 and 9
(assuming the slots are numbered from 1 to 12
like a clock).
Problem: Can you use the centrifuge to
mix 5 samples? (Please ignore certain
gross errors in this riddle, like the fact that
a centrifuge is not used to
mix samples but to separate them.)
i before e except after c and when sounding like I as in eiei and greif.
confidential to those who would otherwise be concerned:
Despite what finger will tell you, I am not logged on 4 times.
I left myself logged on and my computer went
to energy-save which automatically
detaches me from the network. Now under
normal circumstances, it would still
show me as logged on but instead of showing where
from at the end, it would just
say Det. so that you would know that those are
inactive connections. Anyway,
today, for some strange reason, it makes it look
like I'm still on. The point
is that I'm not logged on 4 times, I'm only logged
on twice.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Again, for a breif time only:
THE BOTTOM 10 THESES AT AMHERST COLLEGE
1.)
psprocaccini's (because it changes every Friday)
2.)
cljones' (because it forces him to play sports)
3.)
rsstephens' (because it encourages silly ideas like Lab TAP)
4.)
mflivingston's (because it's done and not my thesis)
5.)
afsloat's (cf mflivingston)
6.)
pesoto's (because inevitably I will find myself working on IT by
mistake)
7.)
mflivingston/psprocaccinis' (because, c'mon, who can make a baby in
5 months? Unless, of course, it's a Christ Child.)
8.)
yjdaoud's (because it has made him so mean)
9.)
bwmessmore's (because he has not started yet)
10.) [PLACE
YOUR THESIS HERE]
and now...
THE TOP TEN WORST TOP TEN PLAN LIST IDEAS AT AMHERST
1. Top 10 Best Plans
2. Top 10 Nicest People
3. Top 10 Meanest People
4. Top 10 Favorite People
5. Top 10 Best Hook-ups
6. Top 10 Funniest People
7. Top 10 Body Parts
8. Top 10 Stupidest People (although, I would LOVE to do
this one)
9. Top 10 SomethingorOther that Nobody Else Cares About
10. Top 10 Worst Top 10 Plan List Ideas
and be sure to fi aiboros for a list of his own
that is absolutely BRILLIANT!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
confidential to csbeirne: some of us ARE
like pedro, although, I'm not sure
about the happy part at the moment
Alright, Mr. cljones, it just so happens
that some of us COULD be mean, if we
wanted to, but we choose not to so as to be able
to hold the imminent threat
of meanness over the heads of our victims.
This, it seems to me, is much
meaner, and more inventive, than simply being
flat-out mean alone. As a matter
of fact, I think that I should make high honor
roll for meanness (i.e. top 3 at
least) sometime within the next 24 hours lest
I have to prove to you just how
mean I am (and I when I say mean, I mean what
you think I mean). You have been
warned. >:D
In
other news, I am honored to be considered interchangeable with the
one and only hhgersen. She is not only
one of my favorite people but also in
the Sabrinas who are, as we all know, the best
a cappella group on campus.
Who writes their skits, anyway? :)
Hey,
jones, still reading? Good. Because I thought of some more
hard
evidence that makes me one of the meanest people
at the school. I can hold a
grudge with the best of them. Let us not
forget that this is the boy who
stopped talking to his best friend of 9 years
just because of an argument. And
in case you are wondering about my sincerity
in my previous threat, why don't
you ask amgittinger about how mean I can be.
I do not make idle threats. And
don't think I haven't noticed that you've logged
on and haven't changed your
plan yet, bastard.
ccfalzon, you are a funny, funny man.
csb: of course I read your plan. Who can resist such Irish charm? :)
I'm sorry, children, Maria* is in seclusion.
She's not allowed to see anyone."
-The Sound of Music
*read, "Piero" for the rest of the evening.
Lemon Curry?
PSPROCAC Piero Sergio Procac PSPROCACCINI not
logged in
Last login Tue 1-Dec-1998 12:29AM-EST
Plan:
"The
castle is always where its seeker most wants it to be. In plain
sight, yet never seen." - from She-Ra,
Princess of Power
THESIS UPDATE:
Yup,
you know it's Friday again when I get a new thesis. This week
I will be working on blah blah blah and the blah
blah blah. Who knows what
next week will bring!
-------------------------------------xoxoxo------------------------------------
(for the archives: psprocac@unix.amherst.edu)
By the way, will you have seen the tonguering?
-----------------------------------
(But under all that metal, you still bear a striking
resemblance to...)
Winter '98/'99:
Plan:
My plan is too long. (or so I've been told.) ;)
"Don't think the exam went well? Of course it
went well. You're Piero!"
-Francesca, my 11-yr-old sister, apparently
truly believes in the Piero School of Instinct and Luck
Hey you! Yeah, you know who you are.
Have a good break! I can't wait to see
you when we get back!
I LOVE
you people! Who says that winter break need bring a lull in
VAXcitement(TM)? My planwatch brought up
21 names for me to check. There
weren't even that many people logged on at the
time.
Say
what you will about me 'n my thesis, but here it is 3 hours 'til
Santa and I'm in lab. Talk about devotion.
(Of course, now that I'm here, I
seem to be changing my plan instead of actually
working on my thesis...oh well,
it's the thought that counts this time of year,
isn't it?)
"But
Piero, sometimes don't you feel like a luck hog?"
-Francesca, trying to elicit guilt for my way of life
Welcome back, everyone!
I'm sorry that I have been lax in my planning. And
now for your viewing pleasure...
PIERO'S OCCIDENTAL ADVENTURE
****************************
"Babies $6.99"
-sign in the airport.
I think we are taking this duty-free thing too far.
Overheard as I stood in line at the UCLA cafeteria,
concerning the trays there:
Valley Girl #1: "Oh, don't use styrofoam!
It's bad for the environment."
Valley Girl #2: "But I can't take the plastic
trays outside."
Valley Girl #1: (pause) "Oh...OK."
The saga of Piero feels old continues:
Me: "Hi, my name is Piero Procaccini.
I'm from Amherst College."
UCLA Prof: "Ah, yes, you have a student
who is looking at labs out here?"
Me: (thinking that perhaps I had heard incorrectly)
"Yes,
I'm out here looking for a lab to work in next year."
UCLA Prof: "Oh, you ARE the student."
"The song is fairly well known, I think.
I mean, I've heard it on a car
commercial."- rcorkinramey, extolling the virtues
of modern society
"I like to live close to people, so there is someone
to hear me scream."
-rcorkinramey on public safety
Can we say "white mustang convertible"? =)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
angie: "Women can't play football."
gwyneth: "That's the beautiful thing about England!"
"I really like the bathroom in Moore, because
we have a handicap one. We have
a huge shower and a huge bathroom so you can
lock the door and walk around."
-clllllibel, on her new residence
"I was just segueing without any sort of transition."-cllllibel,
working on her
English
"Sex is not condusive to sterile technique."-Andy
"Obviously-a-Science-Major"
Opthof while watching GATTACA
"Wow, you never really realize how useful legs are."-more insight from adopthof
"Oh, I can't eat spicy things, I'm German." -amgittinger, geneticist
Ben does not know the correct spelling of "Toshi."
"Or as we say in Portugese, 'Are you the son of
the glassblower.'"
-clllllibel, giving us some cross-cultural perspective
"You can't make fun of Brazilian sayings," -clllibel, defending her nation
Piero's Hello Section:
I
would like to take this opportunity to make a few shoutouts to new
planners with whom I have recently become acquainted.
So, naberens, gmperry,
and knmesser - hello there. :)
If
my little sister grows up to be a very difficult woman, I blame
sabeigbeder and etgrenley.
Oftentimes, Ben and my little sister will engage
in battles of wit. Here is the
latest:
Ben: "Are you weird?"
Francesca: "Are you Jerry Springer?"
Score one for Francesca.
"You are an exhibitionist. [pause] ...not the
naked kind." -cllllllibel gives
her opinion of me
_I_ would like to know the context, Ms. Bauer.
Yes, it's true, young ejfeder, my modelling
carreer has reached new heights.
SWM
seeks ENTDFCC (entertaining-not-too-difficult-final-college-course).
Are you looking for someone to share in the absurdity
of one of your classes?
Then I am your man. I am funloving (read:
slacker), easygoing (read: lazy) and
easily amused (read: cynical). For classmate
references: mkanshutz and
tekingsley.
Somehow the west coast is looking a little bit brighter these days.
adopthof can do my casting, anyday!
********************************************************************************
Some Gems Long Forgotten from As Studs 11:
"In
the last 100 years a small number of Japanese have come to the
United States. Under out law their children,
born in this country, are
citizens. The have been educated in our
schools and speak our language, and a
great many of them share out love of freedom
and our willingness to die for it.
...This film tells the story of the Japs in Japan
to whom the words liberty and
freedom are still without meaning."
- Know Your Enemy: Japan
"Still
others went to work in barber shops: strange barbers who didn't
talk." - ibid.
"Asia for the Asiatics. Japan is your protector." - ibid.
"Defeating
this nation is as necessary as shooting down a mad dog in
your neighborhood." - ibid.
...and here are a few goodies from SnapDragon,
"a psycho-sexual thriller of
oriental mystery, ecstasy, and terror," starring
Pamela Anderson:
"See,
I'm intrigued by the oriental overtones of this thing: the
candles, the black, silk cloth over the face..."
-Dr "stereotypes" Hookstratton
"To
the subconsious, dreams are experiences. We feel pain, saddness,
happiness, as if it were really happening." -
Dr "Captain Obvious" Hookstratton
"Is
it normal to see yourself having sex with faceless strangers, and
then killing them?" - the inimitable Ms Anderson
Lee
"It's
different, but not as abnormal as you might think."
- Dr."Crackhead" Hookstratton
Priest:
"Are you familiar with those? The sins of the earth?"
Hooky,
our hero: "Only as a student."
"I
know it may seem cruel to the occidental mind, but being a concubine
was far better than dying from a swollen stomach...the
snapdragon, tatooed on
the upper thigh, was put there when she was 9
years old to prove that she was
pure." - the token Asian expert of the
film
********************************************************************************
So
we've been cleaning the lab for a while, now, in preparation for
company.
Me:
"So papers on the desk are OK, right?"
Steve:
"Yeah, it makes it look like we're doing work."
"Conservation
of whatever," -scientific term coined by a Ms. clibel,
Amherst Biology Major
confidential to adopthof: You may borrow
my copy whenever you so desire. In
fact, I hope you do. Then at least someone will have
watched it.
I've started my intro! Hurray!!!
"Don't
try to cuddle me. I'm 21 years old. I'm drinking legally."
-bwmessmore, little more than an hour into his latest birthday
"I
hate you. 'Cause I can't cut a break." - clibel expresses her
feelings for me
"'Cause
I can't buy a break." - clibel attempts to be more clear
BIG THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO CAME TO THE CELEBRATION THIS EVENING!!!
EVEN BIGGER THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HELPED MAKE IT POSSIBLE!!!
clue for adopthof: It's not me. :)
********************************************************************************
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
PIERO'S GENERIC NONDESCRIPT PLAN
================================
"Wise words by a famous person"
- Wise Famous Person
The
funniest thing happenned to me today. I was just sitting there,
minding my own business when out of the blue
this ridiculous incident occurred
because of the stupidity of our bureaucracy,
or the gall of some obnoxious
person, or my own quirkiness (in which case,
the incident is more funny than
annoying). One of the parties involved
might have been drunk and if it was me
thne teh vast mjaority of hte lpan is misstyped.
Oh, and by the way, I also
have some insightful side comment about the insanity
of the school or of life
in general. Why do I ask questions in the
middle of my story? So that I can
answer them in a witty way, of course.
Anyway, so after I digress several more
times (digression, obviously, being a side story
which somewhat relates and is
often explanatory in nature), I finally get to
the punch line and then end the
story with a quick comment intended to make light
of the situation. Whatever.
"...These lyrics paint a picture, a metaphor to
view,
But they are full of double meaning, cynical
and true..."
- Band Name, _Song Title_
"The problem with whatever we are discussing is
that it sucks."
-I couldn't agree more, soandso
"This is a ridiculous statement."
- myfriend, being ridiculous
friend 1: Can I ask a question?
freind 2: OK, but I'm going to turn it
into a joke.
Scorecard:
abc: 13
xyz: 9
me: 4
confidential to username: You should really
take the advice I'm giving you
right now.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
...and
now, as my right and responsibility to the human race,
I return to my foolish ways...
a list of some of my favorite middle names on
VAX*:
Baptie, Barron, Basya, Cristobal, Gonzalo, Hadley,
Hemphill, Hollister, Imre,
Jensen, Leslie, Marton, Mayo, Meredith Sara Ann
Meredith Sara Ann..., Nettie,
Powers, Quiambao, Spector, Thayer, Theron, Vasudeva,
Vinod, Weaver, Wooden,
Yoonhe
*Notice it is not a top ten list. I have
learned from the mistakes of my peers
(oh, hey, bryce!) ;)
"Why
don't you ever quote me on your plan?" -mcroja, whom I never
quote on my plan
Rachel(quoting one of her favorite songs):
You can't trust a big butt and a
smile.
Ben: Sure you can. I trust my mom
everyday. (laughter) ...I'm going straight
to
hell.
And now a few shoutouts to people
whom I have only so recently realized are
part of the plan community:
abbarkan,
emjennings, hello to you both!
I am sick and shall, therefore, be shirking my plan duties for a while.
In the meantime, here is some prime Ben for you to enjoy:
Ben: Was Mardi Gras this weekend?
Me: Ben, Mardi Gras is never on the
weekend. It means "Fat Tuesday."
Ben: Well, how should I know? I don't
speak italian, or foreign, or whatever.
"Of
course we're mean! We're your friends. That's what we do!"
-Ben, revealing his secret to making friends
DQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQ
Choice moments from DQ Mentoring Weekend:
-----------------------------------------
Anytime Eric sat down.
"Two
things: #1. That toilet is RIGHT next to the door.
#2. That door doesn't lock!"
-Anon.
"Piero,
you will be the perfect husband." -mflivingston
Yeah, I just have to get past this silly dating thing.
Playing Charades:
Jason
shrugs and smiles.
DQ:
"G! G! G!"
Jason
nods in agreement.
Piero:
"G? How is that motion G?"
Jason:
"Oh, you guessed 'G'? I thought you said 'cheese.'"
Piero
stands stunned.
DQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQDQ
Semanticize
all you want, Ms. Humanities, only the truth withstands the
test of time. (Ooo, time! I believe
temporal wins.) But don't think I'm not
flattered by your plagiarism. I am.
Camilllllla:
(chanting) "Piero is a dork! Piero is a dork!"
Enter
Dr. Goldsby: "Hello there."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
This
is turning out to be one hell of a Saturday.
The score so far:
Me:
The Work Overlords:
0
5-10 page Psych Paper
20-30 page Thesis Intro
still more Biochem prep
10-20 pages of dialogue
(in italian)
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
What Piero wore the night of Casino:
sweatpants and a t-shirt
What Piero did the night of Casino:
work (hence the athletic outfit)
Honestly,
it's a wonder I have any friends at all.
But just because I am not laughing doesn't mean
that you can't.
Here is some more Ben, for you to enjoy for a
short time:
Ben:
"So I guess I'm an RC now."
Me:
"Yup, guess so."
Ben:
"Shut Up! SHUT UP!!! ...I'm just practicing."
Oh, and here is a little angie as well:
"This
rain really hurts." -amgittinger comments on the hail situation
"Come
on, f**k you and help me, here!" - clibel is beginning to
subscribe to the bwmessmore philosophy on making friends
"I
do believe this is a hege moment in my planning life."
-Camilllla "Shakespeare" LLibelll, introduces
a new word into the english language
Confidential to etgrenley and mbfoley:
I'm with you on Hey Dude, Beverly Hills
Teens,
that show about the camp, and...yes...even Fifteen ("Last time
on
Fifteen: 'I, I just think we should break up. You have an alcohol
problem.'")
-- my sister used to watch it, I swear. <:) Oh, and
mbfoley,
you can't do that on planvision!
I have
heard from various sources, though I've never thought so, myself,
that our dear Ms. Elgin looks less like Chucky
OR Meg Ryan, but more like
a certain individual who shall only be referred
to as KLALA.
A masterpiece, Mr. Stephens, a masterpiece.
Confidential to rsstephens:
We
mentioned our idea of going barhopping with our thesis advisors to
Temeles. Here was his response:
"I'll
be there. I don't mind. I've been kicked out of bars before...
you just go to breakfast."
3/3/99 Take Two.
3/4/99 Take one...
Ben: You think your smarter
than me, don't you?!?
Me: No.
Ben: Well, you're wrong!!!
"Wait,
are you making this up as you go along?"
-sabeigbeder questions my comedic style
It's a start, cehare, it's a start. ;)
"Hey,
I'm on! Hey, I'm on!" - cllllibel shows enthusiasm for finding
all of her friends online during a more fi session
"Piero,
I have one word for you: you suck!!!" -clllibel, well on her way
to an interdisciplinary major in English and Math
Camilllla: OK, so
I'm not the brightest...whatever it's called.
Me:
What? Not the brightest what?
Camilllla: Card
in the deck?
We recently revisited this "brightest card
in the deck" conversation and Ca had
this to say:
"What is it again? Brightest bulb in the box?"
"I
eat like a large bird, Janine eats like a small bird, and Ben...
Ben eats like a dinosaur." -What are you saying
about Ben's ponch, Camilllla?
And now, the Bryce Memorial Bares monkey section...
"So
what is your thesis on? Is it monkeys?" - babares, begins what
is to be a very entertaining conversation
"Monkeys
are great. They're like furry, little people!"
-Nebraska Jones, evolutionary anthropologist
################################################################################
I
hope you have some better reasons than that, Ms. lclotto. :)
Point well taken. I shall return to my thesis.
Thanks, lc, I'll add it to my list of distractions. Let's see,
here, I'll put it right here before Gad's this evening. See you
there?
I must
once again go on breif plan hiatus to complete my week.
Sorry folks.
^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_
Wise
words dedicated to lclotto:
"They won't know what you don't tell them."
-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v
"Piero,
have you ever heard of the word -- have you ever heard of the
words...AAARRRGGGH!!!" -cllllibel, almost faking
us out but coming through with
the joke in the end
"Piero,
I *dare* fate!" - cllllibel decides that tempting is no longer
good enough
"Can
you put me on your plan?...Something about eggs."
klmilton turns to desperate measures
I really was searching for the round window, I swear.
For a glympse into what my week is like, fi rlolin.
For
a glympse at the whereabouts of several very important people (and a
very funny plan), fi jifischel.
Yesterday,
I popped by the gym (no, not to exercise, don't worry -- just
doing a little recon.) and I was amazed at what
I found. It's a whole new race
of hominids, only they have a brickwall gene.
I've never seen any of them
before in my life and they're all there pushing
around these metal contraptions
or running side by side but not getting anywhere,
and I get the feeling that
any one of them could knock me out just by looking
at me. Needless to say, I
did not make eye contact and ran away as fast
as I could (cf etgrenley). But
now that I think about it, is this really fair?
I mean, what good is a new gym
if I'm scared to go in there? I guess I'll
just have to get my exercise by
making an extra trip to the servery at dinner.
New Story:
Just
tonight, I was in the arts and crafts store at the mall, buying
styrofoam products, and I asked the woman at
the counter if she knew where I
could find styrofoam balls that were larger than
the ones they had there (why,
is another story entirely). She said that
she didn't know of any place that
would have them and then she turned to her coworker
and asked her opinion.
The coworker affirmed, "Nope, nobody has them
bigger than us. We're the only
store that carries them." Now I know it's
juvenile, but I can't help but laugh
at how proud the store was at having the biggest
balls around.
"He's
the kind of guy who asks people on dates."
-sllaws, an excellent judge of character
"Piero,
I'm very sorry, but do you know how much my hand hurts?"
-clllllibel after swiftly punching me in the face
"Keep
passing open windows..."
-my high school friend, Francie, quotes from a book during
small talk with mjrizzo's friend [see cljones for the response]
"He's north of sketchy." -mjrizzo describes an acquaintance
Ian: "...so she says, 'Ian!!
Do you remember me?' -- my least favorite
declarative
statement"
Piero: "Ian, 'Do you remember me?' is an
interrogative statement."
Ian: "..."
"Frankly,
I think you need to kick my ass."
-clllllibel, not what she had meant to say, but
nonetheless some very good advice
If
I do not seem myself, lately, it is because I do not feel myself.
Note
to self: Do NOT ever allow yourself to be interviewed. EVER.
I would
like to dedicate this plan change to a certain bwmessmore and
his amazing planwatch. Hi Ben! :)
Until
further notice, the role of Piero will be played by a stressed
out, unfun, bitter little man who is one step
away from losing all semblance
of control over his life. Thank you.
Not on your life.
"You
could bet that he had smeared goat dung over himself to smother
his own body odors." - Dario Fo, from the
book I'm reading for my independent
study. I think I'm going to start spending more time
on my thesis.
"I've
been around Piero long enough to know that somehow everything
will work out. I've learned to stop being
terrified."
-my thesis advisor, coming to terms
Hello there. I'm the understudy. I'm a full two
steps away, and not so bitter.
Piero: I can't eat meat tonight.
Julie: How come?
Piero: It's Good Friday.
Angie: Your Jewish?
Happy
Easter, everyone! I, for one, think I shall go ride an elevator
or two. :)
I,
too, had a very strange dream experience this evening. I dreamt that
jones and I got a chance to see the sneak, sneak
preview of Episode I. It was
showing under a code name, "Catecall", which
our agent (yes, we shared an agent)
had gotten ahold of. We went to see the
movie which was set in a futuristic
suburbia. This futuristic looking family
kept going outside and bringing in
animals to join the family. First a bird,
who as the dream progressed became
a 5 yr old girl, then a wolf, because the father
had killed the wolf's mate (the
wolf also inadvertantly became a human as the
dream progressed). So we all
lived together for a while (yes, I was now a
part of the story) until a tall
thin creepy man (sort of like Christopher Lloyd
in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit")
wearing a particle mask, came to the door and
said something about being there
to disturb us. He began making bad jokes
and I went running for the rest of the
family to have them come figure him out.
While I was gone, however, he
kidnapped my little sister (formerly the bird).
He took her to an old barn
down the road (which, incidentally, in an earlier
dream, my thesis advisor had
planned to turn into a beautiful greenhouse),
but we couldn't get in so we went
back to regroup. When we returned, however,
an entire futuristic city
development had been built - it was a conspiracy
to keep us from getting back
our little bird/girl. Anyway, there were
rules about getting into the city
(I don't remember what they were) which we did
not meet so we went home again
to fulfill the requirements necessary.
When we came back, though, the rules had
changed. Now, they were using airport metal
detectors to decide whether or not
to let you in. If you had too much metal
you could not go in. I was worried
because, well, I always carry so much around
in my jacket pockets, so Megan
Anshutz (who was now a part of the family, and
behind me in line) and I
endeavored to rig it so my coat passed over the
detector (because on such
short notice they were only able to procure cheap
metal detectors in the form
of those library book detectors that don't go
all the way up or around). It
didn't work, however, and so I couldn't go through.
She, on the other hand,
made it through and ran into the city.
At this point, I no longer played an
active role in the dream and the camera just
followed Megan, who was no longer
really Megan, but some cross between Howard Stearn
and Rambo, only a woman.
Anyway, she began running and the city was no
longer a city, but a 3 part Star
Wars amusement park ride, where, first you rode
a Star Destroyer and then you
became Chewbacca, and then you swam through the
ruins of the Star Wars set whose
pieces had been rearranged to look like other
landmarks (e.g. the Millenium
Falcon was stuck on a pole to resemble the Space
Needle). This entire sequence
was computer animated, and poorly at that.
Anyway, the movie ended in some sort
of explosion or something, and Jones and I returned
to his room (which, in the
dream was not only much larger, but was also,
covered in thick, furry, white,
wall-to-wall carpeting). In his room, we
began discussing the movie with Ben
and our agent. "I have to say, I'm a bit
disappointed," say I. "Yeah," says
Jones, "What a weird plot, and the animations
sucked. But cool Chewbacca
sequence, though." "Yeah," I continue,
"but they didn't even have R2-D2 or
C3PO." Jones:"or Yoda." Me:"Yeah, or Yoda.
All in all, I was expecting more."
Jones:"Yeah, me too." He turns to our agent,
"Let me see the flyer again." We
look at the flyer and find that It does not say
"Catecall." It says "Cat Call"
with some little symbol in the place of the "e."
"No wonder!" we proclaim. I
begin to head back to my room saying, "God, that
movie was terrible." Jones,
laughing hysterically and goes over to the wall
by his bed.
"That's
the best movie I've ever seen," he says, and proceeds to hang up
the flyer.
"I've
been around Piero long enough to know that somehow everything
will work out. I've learned to stop being
terrified."
-my thesis advisor [I am keeping this up here,
nowadays, merely as a reminder to myself.]
COMING...APRIL 18th, 1999
Thank
you to everyone who made it out to the DQ show, it really
meant a lot to me that you were all there.
and now...
PSAP
Productions in conjunction with Biology Departmental Honors
is proud to present:
P.S. Angelo Procaccini
in
INSTINCT AND LUCK
Rated R
Wait,
it gets better:
My advisor is leaving on Friday and will not be back until Sunday at
midnight. Thesis due Monday at noon, so
realistically anything I want him
to revise has to get to him by Thursday.
That means about 70 pages in 2
days. You can start feeling better, wpbeardsley
and legroff. Why am I
changing my plan? Bye...
PS: confidential to legroff:
I
don't know if you even read my plan, but you can retrieve your old one
by specifying which one it is when you next edit.
To find out which one it is
type dir and it will give you a list of PLAN.TXTs
to choose from. I would try
going backwards to find the one you like.
For example, I would type:
edit plan.txt;634
to get to my last plan. Good luck!
And now back to my thesis...
I am
almost done with my discussion section and must therefore take a
while to procrastinate:
Re:
Porn Star Name Game -- Please mix and match to choose your favorite
Sergio
Jayne
Angelo
Riverside
Pico
College
Cappuccina
Auger
Pounce
Vuono
So,
legroff, does that mean I can add "bellybutton" to my list? :)
It's a deal. You just
have to find me to use it. Not an easy task before
Monday, but for someone who emerged victorious
from a bar fight, I bet you're up
to the challenge. You can just add it to
that monstrous list of things to do.
I could
really use some polymerase right about now.
Well, now that's done.
My body and I are engaged in a very intense love/hate
relationship:
Somehow,
my body has developed very sophistocated internal clock, which
prevents me from oversleeping. It works
so well that I have not owned an alarm
for about two years now. Well, today, I
had to get up early to prepare my
thesis defense, but last night I was out playing
with friends (for the first
time in months, I might add and, boy, did it
feel good!) so my body decided
that I needed a stronger wake up signal than
usual. And what better than an
excrutiating charlie-horse to start my day?
Don't worry, I'll get my body back.
>:) Just wait until Saturday...
jwhuang: since when am I a corporation?
legroff: I don't think you're scary.
Then again, we've never actually
formally
met, have we? :) I have a feeling, though. The way you
know
about
a good melon. Amherst squirrels, on the other hand, pretty scary.
Strangely enough, I do, however, appear to know everyone
mentioned
on your list...
I would like to send a little plan love to my
good friend jwhuang who is short
and sweet, but really not so much very short
as very sweet. Hi Janice!
My
thesis presentation is tonight at 6:00pm. You are invited to come
and listen and heckle at the end. But if
you do, please call me "bubba."
THANK
YOU to everyone who came out to see my thesis presentation!!!
I
don't know how the talk went, but the audience was fantastic. :)
I can't
say as I think that game would be so interesting for me,
cljones. I'd just go around shooting everybody.
Anyone up for another round of riddles? ;)
"You look like a calf caught in the headlights." -cllibell strikes again
iwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupat
seniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwill
nothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatsenior
dinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothook
upatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneri
willnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupat
seniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwill
nothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatsenior
dinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothook
upatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinneriwillnothookupatseniordinner.
On an unrelated note, did you know that today
is National Masturbation Day?
also, 'm sarah johnson and I'm amending
piero's plan. hi eeryone!!!!!
ididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatsenior
dinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupat
seniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookup
atseniordinnerIdidnotgotoseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookup
atseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnot
hookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinneridid
nothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinner
ididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatsenior
dinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupat
seniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookup
atseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnot
hookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinnerididnothookupatseniordinner.
I hate whining plans. That was a whining plan. Sorry.
gmperry: thanks for the love, kid!
_The Grail_
"We're in search of the Grail! Move aside!
Clear the way!
We are knights on a quest! Please
stand back now!" they say.
They inspire me to join them, my eyes open
wide,
Then I see much more clearly and step to
the side,
And I watch on in silence, as each pushes
past,
And I wonder how long each one's journey
will last.
Will they spend all their lives, and yet
not find the cup?
Or worse still, will they find it and have
to give up?
It's a quest and they're lucky it pushes
them on.
But for what are they searching, and what
when it's gone?
I'm alone in the road so which path should
I choose?
Will I lose what I've found? Will
I find that I lose?
I've no grail to be after, no clear road
to take,
So I pause and I think of the choice I
must make.
Many roads lie ahead, I'm not trapped like
a train
But I'd better choose one before none me
remain.
-Peter Messenger
legroff: Ma tu parli l'italiano? Se
solo sapessi prima.
Dovresti
ascoltare a Lorenzo Giovanotti.
I woke
up at around 3 last night to find I had left the TV on. What was
playing, you ask? Why, Jerry Springer,
of course. It was about people who
would like their significant others to stop exotic
dancing. The exotic dancers
understood and would have stopped but they needed
the money to support
themselves and their significant others.
A predicament which the significant
others understood as well. Everyone was
very pleasant with one another and the
biggest cheer from the crowd came at a comment
from one audience member who said
that no one should be yelling at any of these
people because none of them were
druggies, none of them were criminals, and at
least they were out there trying
to get work. I must say it is one of the
strangest things I've seen in a long
time, and then I realized that these are the
episodes that get shown at 3 am.
What kind of world do we live in?
Furthermore,
I would like to express a big ??? about MTV's latest
mockery of our justice system, the Blame Game,
where the jury votes on the
guilt of the contestants BASED ON LOOKS ALONE!!!
legroff: Ma sei bravissima. Peccato,
pero, che non lo studi a Smith.
Ti potrebbe insegnare mio padre. :)
rmmccabe: Oh, Piero, you were in my dream
last night.
me: Really,
what was I doing?
rmmccabe: You fell asleep in my room.
DID YOU KNOW:
*
Every 20 seconds someone at Amherst changes their plan.
*
Every 5 minutes someone on my planwatch changes their plan.
*
Every 12 seconds someone comes up with a crafty program like snitch
to figure out who is fi'ing them.
*
Every 6 seconds such programs as these are disabled by the kindhearted
computer center.
*
The combined mass of an elephant and a toothpick exceeds the mass of
just the toothpick alone.
*
Last year Nike gave Camilllla Libel more play than all 500,000 of
their foreign workers combined.
You better believe it, rburnson, I am a
procrastinator before I am an asexual.
Besides, I don't think I am alone on this one.
mcroja, legroff, back me up,
here.
Well,
folks, I have officially started my 20 pager and it it 2 lines
long. Now all I need is 18 pages and 22
lines. No prob.
If
I had my preference, I'd be playing in the ocean right now. ;)
confidential to hhgersen: VAX commands do
not tend to overlap. Otherwise,
the system would get confused. I mean what if someone were
looking for a guy named hungry?...Not that I didn't fall for it.
...and while we're on the subject of fab VAX commands,
I would like to bring
everyone's attention to an old favorite, notpers.
It tells you not only how
many new messages you have but who they are from
as well. I'll demonstrate:
(alpha2) $ notpers bwmessmore
User BWMESSMORE has 5
new mail messages.
1#NOTPERS-I-NEWMAIL........... ahbauer@amherst.edu
2#NOTPERS-I-NEWMAIL........... psprocaccini@amherst.edu
3#NOTPERS-I-NEWMAIL........... globe@theglobe.com
4#NOTPERS-I-NEWMAIL........... mobyy2k@hotmail.com
5#NOTPERS-I-NEWMAIL........... psprocaccini@amherst.edu
(alpha2) $
NB
It's like snitch in that you must register and it will only work on
others who have registered. To register
type: register notpers and go through
all the motions. Then you will be on your
way (if you run into trouble, let me
know and I will see if I can figure out what's
wrong)..
So close...
In
a surprise move, Ben had an absolutely fabulous time at my sister's
prom. Finally, a high school experience
redeemed. :)
legroff,
good to meet you, finally, before I graduate, and dmmccarthy,
good to know that you have a plan. Put
me at the top of the list for one of
those shirts. ;)
SSSSSS OOOOOO
GGGGGGG OOOOOO OOOOOO
DDDDDDD !!!!
SSS SSS OO
OO GGG
GG OO OO OO OO
DDD DD !!!!
SSS
OO OO
GGG OO
OO OO OO DDD
DD !!!!
SSSS OO
OO GGG
OO OO OO OO DDD
DD !!!!
SSSS OO
OO GGG
GGG OO OO OO OO
DDD DD !!!!
SSS OO
OO GGG
GG OO OO OO OO
DDD DD !!!!
SSS SSS OO
OO GGG
GGG OO OO OO OO
DDD DD
SSSSSS 000000
GGGGGGG OOOOOO OOOOOO
DDDDDDD !!!!
"Yippeee!!!" - Anakin Skywalker, the fated lord of evil
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"But
come summer, they returned to using the plan for its originally
intended purpose..."
Piero Procaccini
psprocaccini@amherst.edu
183 Riverside Drive
Northampton, MA, 01060
* This, of course, is not MY address
but my parents'. Once I figure out
what to do with my life, then maybe
I'll figure out where to live.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Ben (21) and Francesca (11) discuss the TeleTubbies:
Ben:
Do you like those things?
Francesca: No.
Ben:
Thank God.
Francesca: The purple one is gay,
you know.
Ben:
No kidding.
"My
room may be a mess, but my books are all even."
-mlibel, on selective cleanliness
"I'd
rather have a beer in front of me than a frontal labotomy."
- a new take on an old proverb, by a new, slightly
innebriated friend
I love Janice. :)
PLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAYPLAY
GAME OVER
Leila came the closest, but in
the end I was victorious. Sorry folks! :)
"Leonardo's
performances reveal an amazing depth that sets him
apart from most other young actors. In
fact, many people who saw his
performance as Arnie in _Gilbert Grape_ thought
the character was actually
played by a mentally impaired boy -- NOT an actor."
-from _Leonardo Dicaprio, Modern-Day Romeo_
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
What's the secret, anyway?
"...And
I used to be a judge, yes, a _judge_ judge..."
-"Judge" Mills Lane
"You
can kill two rabbits at the same time." - Galina, revealing the
russian version of "two birds with one stone"
Angie: (quoting the Bible) ...if thy right
eye offendeth thee,
remove
it. You know, my dad has had to deal with people who do
that.
Piero: Your dad's a psychiatrist?
Angie: No, he's an eye doctor.
-Sometime Later-
Piero: Why do they do it? Are they
psychotic or religious?
Angie: Religious...well, probably a little
psychotic, too.
"I refuse to be Sketchmaster J." - the one and only, Johnnie Odom
Norman*: Didn't you graduate this year?
Me: Yep, sure did.
Norman: So what are you up to now?
Me: (fake laughter) Good question.
(more fake laughter) Absolutely nothing.
(after
awkward silence) Actually, I'm taking a little break from
science,
and trying to find a job in New York.
Norman: Really? Doing What?
Me: Well, I'd really like to try writing
for television for a while.
Norman: (doubtful) No kidding?
Good for you. I'll look for your name
in the credits.
Me: (more fake laughter) Well, we'll
see how it goes. [Awkward departure.]
*the role of Norman will be played by
ABSOLUTELY ANY SPEAKING CREATURE ON EARTH
Confidential to sabeigbeder: I happen to
have an extra copy of that very
gold-coated cartridge. Let me know, and I shall bestow its evil
upon the poor inhabitants of Pond. :)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
What's the secret, anyway? Instinct,
Luck, and apparently a REEL.
And now, a glance at the future, or rather the past:
...nothing good came of taking the elevator.
It wasted energy and it was bad
for your health. Several building residents
had put in an appeal to have the
emergency stairs accessible at all times (for
when the elevators were
functional, opening the door to the stairwell
activated alarms everywhere in
the building, as well as at the fire department
and police station). Building
management was against it, arguing that it was
a security matter. The
elevators
were monitored by camera while the stairs
were not. It was unsafe to allow
unguarded, unregulated access of all the apartments
to just anyone off the
street. It had been noted by some that
the external passkey might be more than
enough to eliminate this possibility, as
it occasionally managed to prevent
even the residents, themselves, from entering
the building, but so far
building management was not convinced, so the
alarm stayed...
"When
it's time to change, you've got to rearrange..."
-The Bradys
First
of all, I would like to say, what an exhilarating World Series!
I haven't been this excited about baseball in
years! First, the Yanks and
the Sox make it to the finals; then, as usual,
the Mets pull ahead with some
amazing luck in the longest qualifying game in
history; then, the Sox fall
prey to _their_ infamous misfortune thanks, in
part, to some wacky umpires.
I tell ya, this time of year really brings out
the sports fanatic in me!
I've
begun to detect a disturbing trend in my 11 year old sister
(the only person I hang out with these days).
A week or two ago, we were
playing Scategories and we were trying to write
down things that began with
the letter K. We get to "Type of Drink"
and while I put down Kool-Aid,
Francesca comes up with Kentucky Ale. Furthermore,
today she comes home
and insists that she is drunk off the Juicy Juice
they serve at school.
Now, I know we're both Catholic and Italian,
but isn't she still a bit
young for alcoholism? I don't know how,
but I'm sure that this is somehow
the influence of those miscreants in Pond.
:)
Today,
I watched an episode of Jerry Springer, entitled "Invasion
of the Little People." I kid you not.
All the guests were "little people"
(which, ridiculous as it sounds, is currently
the accepted PC term) and
both Jerry and Steve each had silent mini versions
of themselves follow
them around throughout the show. Oh Jerry.
"...She was the type of person who lived life
with no regrets, one of those
people who grow up to be rather stupid because
they never learn from their
mistakes..."
-Benjamin W. Christopher
Got Checking.
Norman
seems much more enthusiastic about my Chicago plans.
Remember me if I don't.
#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#
826 Washington St. #3N
Chicago, IL 60202
(847) 491-0627
The Chicago Chronicles:
Day 1 (12/6/99): Arrive at airport and hire
a taxi to take me to the
apartment.
The driver is an eager and helpful fellow who asks me
if
I am a student. I explain my situation, to which he doesn't
really
listen, and then he informs me that there is a flat rate
for
students - $44. Upon arrival at the apartment, he looks at
his
meter which says $37.50, and reminds me that for students
there
is a flat rate of $37.50. Undisturbed by the Orwellian
nature
of our conversation (particularly because the second fare was
lower)
I pay him and go inside. I think, perhaps, I was granted
such
generosity because we had really bonded over the 30 minute
ride.
I asked him deeply personal questions like, "Have you been
a
taxi driver long?" and he had let me in on some trade secrets
like
"You have to take a look at your passenger. If he looks
suspicious,
we make him pay before we drive him," and "Don't trust
black
people." All in all, a very interesting (read: "racist") first
experience.
Day 2: Went exploring in Evanston in the
morning. Entered a store to
buy
a map and was informed that they were out of maps of the
area.
When asked if there might be another store which would
carry
them, the cashiers informed me that I could check down the
street
but that they, themselves, were probably the only store that
carried
them. What luck that I had happened upon the one store
that
carried these maps on my very first try!! (except for the
fact
that they were out of them.) Needless to say, I soon found
the
map in the other store and found it sitting on the shelves of
several
other shops in the immediate area, as well.
In
the afternoon, I went to check out the location of my new
school.
The Improv Olympic, as luck would have it, is located
down
the street from none othere than Wrigley Field, of Perfect
Strangers'
opening credits fame. Immediately, the theme music (for
those
of you how need some help remembering: "Standin' taaaaall on
the
wings of our dreams. Doot doo. Rise and faaaaall on the wings of
our
dreams...etc.") stormed my head and I had the overwhelming
urge
to find a cousin, link arms and scuffle past while pointing at the
sign.
The theatre was closed, so I walked about 2 and a half
miles
down North Clark Street to the Second City theatre, which was
under
construction.
Day 3: Found internet access. and
it's only a half hour walk from the
apartment.
This really should have been my first task. On my
way
over here (and yesterday, as well), I was noticing that I did not
encounter
one ugly person along the way. It appears that there
are
no ugly people in Chicago. Maybe that is how people can tell
that
I'm not from around here. :)
Day 3 (cont.): After leaving the library
in the evening, I stopped by
the
grocery store on my way home. I purchased 4 frozen pizzas, a
TV
dinner, a container of milk, a small vial of extra virgin
olive
oil, 5 bottles of seltzer, a loaf of bread, 2 pounds of
pasta,
5 cloves of garlic, a box of Kraft Cheese and Mac, 3 sponges,
a
bag of pizza goldfish, and a can of tuna. As I stood in line,
chuckling
at myself for being so foolish as to acquire so many
items
without giving any thought to how I should transport them
the
7 or 8 blocks back to the apartment, I heard a shuffle of
paper
and looked down to discover a small booklet laying, face
down,
near the front wheel of my shopping cart. I picked it up,
recognizing
that it was one of those pocket horoscopes, and
looked
around for a shelf to return it to, as it could not
have
belonged to the couple ahead of me since they had noticed it
fall,
then promptly turned away so as not to notice where it had
gone. I examined the rack several
times, but, to my surprise,
I
found that it was filled with candy - there were no slots for
booklets
of any kind. Even the rack on the opposite side, my
next
alternative, contained only larger magazines, and nothing
with
astrological advice. Looking back at the booklet, I noticed
that
this particular edition was intended solely for the sign
Aquarius,
my sign. Now, any one of these circumstances, alone, I
would
have easily passed off as coincidence, but taken together,
they
were too incredible to be doubted. I tossed the booklet
into
my pile of groceries. The cashier rang me up, and I headed
home
like an upright pack mule. When, at last, I arrived, I
opened
the booklet to discover that the advice it offered will
not
begin until January 1, 2000. Being the true believer that I
am,
though, I have not lost hope. I am sure that if I am still
around
and if I can find the book amongst my things, it will
provide
me divine insight for the start of the new millennium.
Day 4: I spent the morning cleaning, which
is very out of character. So
to
compensate I spent the rest of the day watching TV. Most
importantly,
at no time did I leave the house, which made me feel
right
at home.
Day 5: Let's not waste anyone's time. I did nothing today.
Day 6: Today, I discovered that the public
library has internet access and
is
located closer to the apartment than Northwestern. Half the walk,
none
of the guilt. I sound like a weight loss ad.
In
the evening, it being Saturday and all, I dared myself to go out.
Given
that it's me we're talking about, here, I felt a fair goal would
be
to find a bar, go in, and have a drink. Anything more, I felt,
would
be asking too much. So I got on the L and went from my little
suburb
towards the eternal dawn. When I arrived downtown, I walked
up
and down the street perusing my options (as much as one can peruse
one's
options) and almost backed out. But then I thought about how
ridiculous
it would be to have wasted about an hour on the L just
to
take a walk up and down a street. I forced myself to go into one
of
the bars, which as luck would have it, happened to be a sports bar.
It
was called the Golden Goose, or the Goose Egg, or Goosies, or some
such
fowl name. It was very crowded, so I made my way to the bar
and
selected from their six or seven choices of beer. As I was
waiting
to be served, I kept making eye contact with a blonde sitting
a
few stools down. This, I must admit, was more than I could handle.
I
took my glass of Honker's Ale (for that is what it was called) and
went
to the most secluded corner I could find. I chugged it down
as
fast as I could (which, for me, took about 5 or 10 minutes) and
darted
out of the bar, to the L, and back to my apartment. Mission
accomplished,
I think. No?
Day 7: Today, I visited some friends of
the family on the south side of
Chicago.
They picked me up at one of the L stops, and when I got in
the
car, Elvira (yes, we have a friend named Elvira) said, "You look
just
like your father." I laughed and said (in my unfortunate phone
voice),
"Really? Do you think so?" "Yes," she said, "and you sound
just
like your mother." ...Umm, thank you?
Day 8: There was no day 8.
Day 9: So it has finally arrived.
My first day of classes. This evening,
barring
any unforseen catastrophic impediments, I will begin improv
school.
Yes, I know it's a paradox, but if you think about it too
much,
so is swiss cheese.
This
morning, I decided to take a walk and see how far I am from the
ocean.
As it turns out, I am many thousands of miles from any ocean,
but
I am only about 7 blocks from the lake. Funny, when you get to
the
beach, it really looks a lot like the ocean. I think it is all
the
water. So I was staring at the crashing grey waves, which matched
the
overlooming sky, and I had the sudden urge to rip off all my
clothes
and dive into the froth. But I noticed a "no swimming" sign,
so
I decided against it. Also, at that very moment, I was pelted
in
the head by a piece of hail, of the kind that had been falling all
morning,
which knocked some sense into me, and I realized that it is
_Winter_,
and I am in _Chicago_, and most importantly, I would be
_naked_in
_public_. So I came to the library to check my e-mail
instead.
Day 9 (cont): Wow! That is all I
can say. I have so much to learn. I have
a
long journey ahead of me and much of it is a very Yodaesque "unlearn
what
you have learned" sort of a journey. I just don't have enough
time
to put it all down, but it was amazing. Some choice quotes from
the
instructor, though: "I hate it when one of my famous friends does
something
stupid, like die from drugs, because I have to go on
Entertainment
Tonight and get interviewed about it." and after a little
anecdote
about Del Close and Joan Rivers: "...so none of us want to
pull
a Joan Rivers..." followed by laughter. Also, she co-wrote
her
book
with someone who worked on Monty Python's Life of Brian!!! I am
so
glad I didn't find a job after graduation! =)
Day 10: Well, this morning I almost locked myself
out of the house, which would
have
made a stunning end to this whole little saga. Fortunately for me,
but
unfortunately for the gods of humor, I was finally able to get
myself
back in. Now I just have to pack and head on home. I hope you
have
enjoyed the Chicago Chronicles. Please join us next week for
"The
Procaccini's at Home: A Christmas Vacation."
EPILOGUE [or Day 10 (cont.)]: I would like
to start by saying that, on my
way
to the airport, one by one, I sat across from 3 women with whom
I
might have even been willing to lose my French virginity
(virginite`).
What is it with this town and its beautiful inhabitants?
Also,
I would like to add, since I forgot to mention them when I
first
noticed them, at each L stop, they have these bright lights
hanging
overhead that you can turn on by pushing a button on the wall.
At
first, I figured them to be just the regular lighting or, at most,
bright
lights for reading. As it turns out, the lamps are overhead
heaters
(and they work very well - which is how I noticed). So I
guess
if you have to wait long enough for the train, at least you
can
get a pretty decent tan.
Now
let us focus on the flight home, because it was one of the most
surreal
experiences I have ever had. The entire crew fancied
themselves
comedians. I swear to you that I am not making up any of
the
following dialogue. The "head" flight attendant began by saying,
"Ladies
and Gentlemen, someone dropped some money up here...oh no,
wait,
it's mine - well, now that I have your attention, let's go
over
some safety tips. This is a non-smoking flight. Smoking is not
permitted
inside the cabin, so those of you who need to smoke
between
here and Hartford can go out on the wing and if you can
light
it, you can smoke it. In the event of a water landing, your
seat
cushion can be used as a floatation device. Kick kick kick to
shore
and keep the cushion as our complimentary gift to you. If we
are
to experience a loss of cabin pressure, let go of the person
next
to you and take the oxygen mask that will be released from the
overhead
compartment. If you are with a child, or someone who is
acting
like a child, be sure to secure your own mask before helping
them
with theirs. Flight attendants will be coming around to make
sure
that your shoes match your shirt. If they don't, that's ok.
Sit
back and enjoy your flight to...Hawaii. Doo-doo, lei-oo lei-oo.
Just
kidding. We'll be flying to Hartford, today. Thank you."
About
half a minute passed and he came back on the intercom and
broke
into song about the upright seats and tray tables or some such
instruction,
to the tune of the Elvis classic, "Blue Suede Shoes."
Then
a female flight attendant gets on and says, "Ladies and
Gentlemen,
I set my alarm for early this morning so that I could
come
in and pick the best looking group of flight attendants for
your
flight today. Unfortunately, I slept through the alarm, so
you
got these guys. So for the remainder of the flight, we're
going
to turn down the lights to improve the appearance of the crew.
If
you require extra light for reading, you can press the button
on
the overhead panel and it will turn on the light above you."
At
this time, someone mistakenly presses the button to request
assistance,
to which she responds, "No, pressing that button will
not
turn us on." Then we have some silence until the captain
gets
on and tells us where he and the co-pilot are from - both
from
Texas, amazingly - and spurts a quick chuckle about the fact
that
they have just come to Chicago from Hartford and are now
going
back again. More silence graciously follows, while they
pass
out drinks and snacks. As it turns out, you get two rations
of
snacks on each trip, nowadays. This time it was one packet of
peanuts
and one packet of "Dolphins and Friends" from the makers
of
Goldfish. These new crackers are shaped like dolphins and
whales.
Great! So we've spent all this time and energy,
trying
to get people NOT to eat dolphins - forcing tuna companies
to
ensure that all of their tuna is "dolphin-free" - and now
we're
manufacturing crackers that teach kids that it's FUN to
eat
dolphins, and, what the heck, their friends as well!!
But
I digress. Back to the silence which ensued for about an
hour
or so, after which the captain came on again and said,
"Ladies
and Gentlemen, we are beginning our descent into Bradley
Airport.
We will be arriving about a half hour early, I would
like
to say because of the outstanding pilot skills employed,
but
the truth of the matter is that a 160 tail wind probably
had
something to do with it. Heh heh heh. Please fasten your
seatbelts."
As we enter a somewhat rough landing, the pilot
gets
back on the intercom and says, in a muffled voice,
something
to the effect of, "Woooaahh, a bit of a rough one
there,
eh?" and follows it up with more chuckling until he is
cut
off by our old friend, the head flight attendant, who says
that
he has written a song for us and launches into his
rendition
of "We're early, be happy," to the tune of the
classic
which begins "Don't worry." And the other flight
attendants
chime in for each chorus. Incredible, absolutely
incredible.
FINE.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Sounds as though little bwmessmore is going
through a bit of denial, eh?
I would also like to say that Drew Carey is a genius.
************************************
c/o Charles Vuono
826 Washington St. #3N
Chicago, IL 60202
(847) 491-0627
.